Puck You
“I’m not doing this.”
“You are, Daniel.”
“This is nuts.”
“Yes it is but not nearly as bad as we’ve had before. So get ready. I told them I’d show them how to play hockey now that they have a solid stable ice pack on their lake.”
“But why do I have to be the puck?”
“Again?”
“Yes, Jack, again. The last four times it flew right over my head.”
“Okay, fine, but this is the last time, then you squat on the ice and I push you into that net they set up over there.”
“This is nuts.”
“We’ve been over that part.”
“Why not Teal’c or Carter?”
“They had an aversion to using a woman in their games and can you push Teal’c?”
“Well, no.”
“Do you want Teal’c to push you?”
“Uh… no.”
“Then it’s got to be me and you.”
“So let me push you!”
“I know hockey, you don’t.”
“What’s to know? I push, you slide.”
“Daniel, we’re wasting time and they are starting to look at us. We NEED to do this. You know what’s at stake if we come back home empty-handed.”
“Right. Okay, Jack, so… why do I have to be the puck again?”
“I just told you, Daniel!”
“No you didn’t, not yet.”
“Oh, fer cryin out—Fine! So, we were relating the finer points of starting uo a high quality sport like hockey here.”
“You were speaking, way too fast I might add, since I was trying to keep up with it AND translate, Jack.”
“I got excited at the idea. Give me a break, Daniel!”
“No. Not if I have to be the puck!”
“You do, now back to where you interrupted me. They’ve got the perfect setting, a frozen smooth ice layer, a competitive, inventive, and a tad bit of an aggressive nature, so they just need hockey sticks—”
“—hence those long, thick, pointy branches they are all beating on the ground now, Jack.”
“Yeah, they understood most of that part, I guess.”
“Oh, they loved it when they found out they could beat something with a stick in this game.”
“Da-niel, STOP interrupting me.”
“Jack, get on with it.!”
“Look, you need to explain that they need a flat base to those sticks.”
“Yeah, well Jack, in case you haven’t been paying attention, you can’t exactly translate verbatim with them. They pretty much interpret what they want the way they want.”
“Yeah, and we’ll come to that part.”
[Sigh] “Right Jack, okay so where were you again?”
“Okay, so they also need a net and a goalie.”
“—hence their unused fishing net that’s supported by rocks and more sticks over there. They didn’t understand the need for a goalie.”
“That’s because they got the last part wrong, thanks to you.”
“To me? Jack, you were talking a mile a minute. So it was bound to happen that I got something wrong.”
“Yeah, but not THIS. When I said ‘I need a puck and then we can play’, you translated it to?”
…
“Daniel, to?”
“It didn’t quite happen that way, Jack. They asked me a question at the same time you were talking and asking me to translate—the words got mixed up.”
“To? Daniel, to?”
“Fi-iine. I translated it to ‘I am the puck and now we can play.”
“And THAT, Daniel is why you’re the puck for my illustration.”
“We can’t just go get them a puck of their very own?”
“Nope. Big guy’s not letting us leave the area until we surrender the game. Thinks I own it and am trying to leave without giving it to them in trade. Did I mention they were very competitive, Daniel?”
“There’s NOTHING else you can use instead of me for your example?”
“Not after you told them you were the puck. Once they heard that they started talking quickly between themselves and pointing at you.”
“Yeah, I got some of it. Let’s just say that they like the idea of a live puck that may try to flee for its life off the ice while they beat the tar out of it until it gets into the net and thanks a lot, Jack!”
“That’s not how you play hockey.”
“No, Jack, that’s how THEY play hockey, now.”
“Okay, so we do this, shake hands, get that bright shiny thingy from them that Carter’s been drooling over back to the base and that’s that.”
“Sounds simple enough, except the me being the puck part.”
“Just crouch down and pull your knees in and I’ll give you a big push from behind. You’ll slide over the ice and into the net. Easy.”
“Just so you know… I hate you.”
“Squat already!”
“Umph! UHHHHHH! ARGH! Daniel… you’re not sliding.”
“Nope. So now we give up on this idea and think up something else.”
“Already did. This will only hurt for a moment then it’ll be over with.”
“WHAT will only hurt for a moment, Jack? Jack? Where’d you go? Why are you way back there practicing kicking your foot? You’re not really considering trying to—JACK!”
“OOmPH!”
“OoooW! Ja-aaaaccckk, yo-oooooooou wi-lllll sooooo pa-aaaay fo-ooor th-iiiiiis!”
“And he-eeeeeeeeeeee scores!”
The End
