Modesty, Thy Name is Daniel
I shall not forget this. We shall never forget.
And with that… they vanished and we returned home.
I didn’t think too much about those words, until they were spoken over me on Christmas Eve. I woke and leaned up. It seemed I had a visitor but saw no one… well, there was a small light. It became more familiar to me when those words were spoken again and the next to follow.
“I have kept my promise. Daniel Jackson, who saved me and my people from destruction, I have looked forward to seeing you again to tell you of my people since your visit. We have changed our ways as we promised. No longer do we fight amongst each other as you and your friends witnessed. No longer do we care so very little for each other. We did not know compassion, a foreign concept, until we met you.”
“Each now has a task to do to keep our way of peaceful living alive. Each is dedicated to it. It would never have been possible had we not been shown the consequences of the other path had we continued to follow it, the path you showed us in your words and the imagery you held within you. We also felt your compassion, dear friend, and it touched each of us to know that one who knew so little of us could care so deeply for us. We were shocked and appalled at our actions, and deeply desired to change. We each felt the deep love and importance of everything and everyone that you keep in you. We were inspired to live that way. We continue to do so.”
“I was elected to be the one to come to you this night, though there were so many others that had wanted to. Know that what I offer you will be given with our greatest affection for you and your friends. We are in your deepest debt, dear Daniel.”
The light moved over my cheek and it was warm and gentle. I moved to speak, but the light moved over my lips, ceasing my attempt.
“We want to do something for you, to repay you. I can sense confusion in you and a great bit of denial. It is quite an appealing feeling. I shall have to try it when I get home… ah, it is called modesty or so that is what you believe your friends would call it. Modesty. Yes, it is nice, but for you, it is quite misplaced, your assertiveness, your incredible vehemence that we open our eyes and see the wrong of our ways is the ONLY reason I still live. What can I do for you?”
I shook my head. “I want nothing. I wish for no recompense from you. That you and your people are doing well is reward enough. I am happy with who I am and where I am in life. I have a purpose and good friends to share my happiest and saddest moments with. I do appreciate your visit and letting me know that I was able to help you.”
The light moved to be level with my face. “Again, I feel… modesty. I WANT to do this, repay you. I offer to change a moment in your life… well, that is, I can let you relive another path for something you may have regretted in your past. It can be done in a dream. You will not actually have it changed in your waking life but I can make you emotionally feel as if it has. You will wake remembering none of it but the lingering feeling of a deep emotional wound healed—the happiness of being able to put it behind you… to live better, healthier, happier. What can I change for you?”
I shook my head again. Thinking of what I was being offered, instances of Sha’re alive and by me in bed again, of never meeting Hathor, of being closer to Nick… of stopping the coverstone from falling, flitted by, but I immediately quelled them knowing she could sense them in me. Though I dwelled on saving Mom and Dad from their death, I knew I had come to peace with their loss and was grateful for the time I had with them while we were together… I started thinking of what it could mean to Sam or Teal’c… or Jack to be able to heal an old wound, change something they still had to live with.
“Could you do something for me by helping a friend?”
She hesitated, then I would swear there was a light laugh and the word ‘modesty’ whispered. She sighed, “If that is what you truly desire, then yes. Have you chosen?”
“I have.”
It took a moment for the words to come but the friend I wanted to help the most had come to me immediately.
“I’ve always wanted to help Jack with a moment he’s wished with every fiber in him that could have had happen differently. Is it possible for Jack to have that?”
“It is.”
“Then that’s what I want. I want Jack to be healed, to be able to get passed the loss of his son, Charlie. It’s asking a lot, but if it’s possible, that’s what I want.”
“It is possible, to an extent. I can take the pain away for this night. Let him feel what it is like to not have this burden upon him. It is up to him after that to know how to find it again, this sense of peace I offer him. If your friend truly desires this as you say, then he will always have it. But, if your friend needs to know, to remember how that feels, then it is his choice to continue to feel that way.”
I thought about what she had said. I thought about Jack. He had used the pain of loss he felt to relate to people that knew of that pain. It had been one of the things that had made Jack and him closer, a kindred spirit, when he had lost Sha’re. It motivated Jack. It was a part of what made him who he was. Could I do that to Jack?
There was also the feelings I had experienced in the images Sha’re had given me through the ribbon device. I remembered looking over from my wheelchair at her covered dead body in the infirmary bed. I was devastated—the, the denial, the pain of loss, and the overwhelming anger that I couldn’t see past when I looked at Teal’c. The huge hole in my soul that I was certain would never heal.
I remembered burying my wife. My Sha’re was gone… forever. I hadn’t been able to save her. I had been ready to give in and give up. Not willing to deal with the loneliness again, the loss of a sense of purpose, which had overwhelmed me as I’d packed up my office.
Then, I remembered the other side of the dream given to me by Sha’re. Waking from a nightmare and having her in bed next to me, soothing me, coaxing me back to a restful sleep by her side. I was shocked and elated that her death had all been only a dream and that she was next to me, living with me in my every day life. It was everything I’d ever wanted. I was at peace.
Then reality had slammed back home as I watched the staff weapon blast from Teal’c impact my Shar’e—as I watched her collapse next to me. My head and body ached from the ribbon device; there was such pain and misery while I watched her die, the light of life in her eyes faded away. And there was the pain again that I watched her die as I’d seen through the ribbon device but this time it wasn’t a dream. There was also the anguish that Sha’re had tried to prepare me for, that her death had had to be by my friend’s hands. In a sense, Sha’re had let me see how things would have been had I had the chance to change it and now I could do the same for Jack… if only for one night.
“Please, do this for him. Even if it’s only for a night and Jack chooses not to let the death of his son lie peacefully in his past, he will at least have that moment to relive differently… to grow up with Charlie, to watch his son live a full life and to live a happy life vicariously through Charlie, to be proud of his son’s accomplishments, to be happy and never know the hard sadness of that one sound of a gunshot. To not see Charlie’s lifeless body pooled in blood, to not have to feel the anger, confusion, anguish, and denial of having to live with that moment. That now is currently etched in his soul.”
He looked with pleading eyes toward the ethereal entity in his room. “I want to give that to him.”
The small gentle light moved closer. “I will do this because I can sense how much it would mean to you. You and your friends are welcome to visit us again. We… love you, Daniel. Love is a feeling we now feel for each other… thanks entirely to you.”
Then, as she vanished, there was a gentle warmth I felt on my lips which lingered after she was gone. Though I received nothing from her, knowing that Jack was sleeping with the best dream he would ever have— feeling the sense of wholeness, if only for such a short time—filled me with happiness… the warmth spread through me and lulled me back to sleep.
I was looking forward to seeing my friend’s and sharing our love for each other on Christmas Day. I would know Jack’s choice, then, but I had a feeling I already knew.
The End
